8 Things that Stop in 2008
1. Dane Cook Commercials
I mean, honestly, why couldn't Dane just say "World Series" instead of something that sounded like "Wuuurld Syries"? Now don't get me wrong, I think Dane Cook's stand-up is some of the best of I seen in years, but his movies are lacking and the commercials are horrendous. Maybe he just "tried his best" and came up short.
Dear MLB, just because Boston is in the World Series, it does not mean we need to see a local celebrity doing the commercials AND especially not one that speaks like he has a mental handicap...unless it is Corky. Next time I suggest using Michael Chiklis.
2. Format Wars
I have heard rumors that this battle may be over following CES in January, but in the meantime, I am sick of this shit. Personally, I have a Blu-ray player (ps3), but some of the movies I want to watch are on HD-DVD. Am I going to run out and buy a HD-DVD player too? NO! Toshiba has been spreading false statements about sales and how HD-DVD is outselling Blu-ray. Bullshit! News flash: internationally, this war doesn't really exist. Blu-ray is blowing the pants off HD-DVD, but someone is black mailing this guy or paying off this chick to make this battle continue. It is ridiculous and a burden on the consumer. I really hope WB picks Blu-ray and we can end these shenanigans because it is unfair to make me watch the Evil Dead trilogy on regular DVD.
3. "Saw" Movies
My buddy convinced me to go see "Saw IV". Yeah. Not good. Every sequel has been awful and progressively getting worse. I hear they are making two more. Wonder if there will be a twist ending where the "hero" dies. Yeah. Not good.
4. Game Show "Surprise" Commercial Breaks
In all fairness, the first time I watched a game show and the host got the player anxious to see the results and then tricked them with something like "please open the suitcase...(pause)...after this commercial break", I thought it was pretty funny. I couldn't help but think, "Haha, you have to wait while I can change the channel." But now, every single game show seems to do this "surprise" commercial breaks and it really pisses me off. First off, it breaks the rhythm of the show. Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy have been on since my parents were kids and they don't pull this stunt AND you know why? Because it gets old and kills the flow of excitement. Do I really care about that suitcase after I hear about some guy's erectile dysfunction and then somebody wants money to feed starving children? Hell no. Fuck the suitcase and just give the money to the kids. Not only that, but you know a commercial break is coming every time the host pauses. It isn't a surprise anymore. Stop it or I won't come back after the commercial.
5. The Writer's Strike
Writers, please come back. I need you. Reality TV makes me hate real people instead of fictional characters. In case you missed it, they gave a MySpace celebrity (yes you read that correctly) her own bi-sexual dating show. This is what we have been reduced to. Sylar would have killed her and eaten her brain or whatever he does if someone like this appeared on "Heroes". Jack Bauer would be putting people in jail instead of wasting time inside one. Please help me!
And, oh yeah, to all the studios, give the writers what they deserve. Without them your studios wouldn't be making money. TV and movies are going the way of the internet, so give them their appropriate cut.
6. Knocking up Jessica Alba
Son-of-a-bitch! Jessica Alba is pregnant. This is probably the most disturbing news I heard all year. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for her, but do you know who the father is? Some random assistant director or something. This angers me greatly because it means that some random schmuck like me might have actually had a chance of scoring with Jessica Alba. FUCK! It is one thing when you hear that a random non-celeb is dating a hot celeb like Jessica because you have that little thing in the back of your head saying "yeah, but he'll never bag her." Not this time. Plus after the birth scene in "Knocked Up", I can never look at a post-birth vagina the same way again. Lucky bastard.
7. Things Breaking
In the last two months my toilet, snow thrower, and driveway light broke. I needed to get new tires and new brakes. Shit keeps breaking and I keep fixing. Fixing shit isn't cheap. Stupid breaking.
8. MySpace Bulletins
The bulletin board on MySpace is officially the biggest piece of internet garbage out there right now. Between the spam, the surveys, the useless banter (I just woke up!), and any other piece of crap that people feel the need to post, I get about a hundred bulletins an hour. What I find even more amusing is that I get so many and I never read them nor does anyone else I know, yet people still continue to post them. Nobody cares that you just woke up. Your hamster will not end up in someone's ass if you don't fill out the survey and send it to all your "buddies". The bulletin feature is about as appealing as Britney's cooch...everyone knows it's there, but nobody wants to look at it.
But what is even worse than all this? I will inevitably post a bulletin notifying people of this webpage. Doh!
I suck.